I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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