I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Someone came in the potted fern
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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