I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
