last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
