If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just pee around me
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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