guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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