My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My ass is underappreciated
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
