Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Non-Jews are for practice
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
People in love make me want to vomit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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