I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
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