dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
