I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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