He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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