i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
