mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
