last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
