I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize