My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
