I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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