I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Holy sore nipples Batman
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
