There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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