make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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