im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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