Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
