i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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