In the future we'll all be gay
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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