i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
