When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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