My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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