Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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