i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You ruined the universe
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
