I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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