the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
