it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up backwards on a recliner
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
