Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
