i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
