When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
did i just pee glitter
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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