Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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