you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
