Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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