did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
