You really coming over, don't trick.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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