I think I won the penis lottery.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
