peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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