your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
