$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
