Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
