I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
