I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I AM VODKA MAN
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
