I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
