I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We are all done wearing pants today
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
