Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
