I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
