burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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