I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You dont lie about slip and slides
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
