Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
