I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
