me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
