she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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